Poetry: Laptop Lament

I open the lid – it won’t turn on!

Only then I realise

the bastard power’s gone!

Fumbling around with cables trying to find the lead…

This isn’t just a poem; it’s a warning you should heed.

Finally! Found the cable, plug the bastard in,

wait ten minutes for it to charge…

We’re ready to begin!

“I’m a toaster! I’m a kettle! Or am I a TV?”

Wait until it realises it’s actually a PC.

Type in my password and go to make a drink...

get back to the laptop hoping it’s had more time to think.

At last! The desktop’s loading and the icons are all here!

Can’t click yet or it will freeze.

Egg timer’s now appeared…

Double-click the programme.

Updates to install!

I start to wonder why I switched it on at all.

Updates are downloaded and almost ready to go

but ‘time remaining’ counts UP not down, so install will be slow.

Scream a bit and shake the lid, then go and make more tea.

Another restart and ten more minutes to realise it’s a PC.

Type the password once again – I’m nearly bloody there!

The desktop’s finished loading, I’ve stopped ripping out my hair.

The icons have appeared, the update a success!

I thought some time for writing would help me to de-stress…

File – Open – Scroll to find what I’m working on.

The update’s bloody lost it!

The bastard thing has gone!

BOLLOCKS! CUNTING PIECE OF SHIT.

It’s true, the air turned blue…

PENIS! ARSEHOLE! MOTHERFUCKER!

I REALLY CAN’T STAND YOU!

I should have backed the file up.

I shouldn’t have updated.

I SHOULD HAVE BACKED THE FILE UP.

I never should have waited.

I should have backed the file up.

Computer shouldn’t have lost it.

I SHOULD HAVE BACKED THE FILE UP!

Computer’s fault! It’s SHIT!

And then, as if he's right on cue,

he's home from work and my project's due.

I relate my tale of laptop dismay

Not expecting him to say:

“Did you back the file up?”

What the fuck do you think?!

“But did you back the file up?”

I really need a drink…

“Did you back the file up?”

No! You bloody clown!

If you think I’d saved it, do you think I’d be this down?!

“You should have backed the file up.”

I know that now, you prick.

“You should have backed the file up.”

I learned my lesson, dick!

“Next time back the file up.”

I just want a hug.

All I wanted was sympathy, not treating like a mug.

So, heed this warning when you get a laptop or PC;

back up files and always ensure a constant supply of tea.

Or instead go old-school and get typewriter, like me.

Victoria Collins